How it began

I grew up in a little town in Malaysia. It was a world steeped in paradox—where traditional beliefs and values met modern Western ideals, where illogical faith, Asian mysticism and the supernatural seemed to co-exist comfortably with reason, and belonging came with covert expectations.

It was a complex yet beautiful multi-cultural melting pot, with a rich tapestry of cultures, traditions and spiritual beliefs, multi-layered narratives, cross-cultural intricacies, and not-to-be-spoken-of race-class tensions.

Born to alternative-minded parents, I was exposed to some of life's "big questions" at a very early age:

Does God exist?
Why are we here?
What is Truth?

I grew up feeling always on the margins or in the in-betweens, never quite belonging, never quite realizing it either. And never quite giving myself the permission to truly be who I was.

Thus, the scene for a colourful life to come was set.

The call (or "fall") to adventure

In my 20s, I left home for university, only to quickly find my world crumbling beneath me.

Exposed to university and new thinking, and free of the rigorous discipline of my spiritual faith, I was rudely awakened to unsettling truths. I had grown up in what many would consider a cult. And my education was grossly filled with propaganda, omissions and lies.

The unravelling

Betrayal. Anger. Disillusionment. Desolation.
The collapse of everything I had believed in.

As my entire worldview and belief system crumbled, I grappled with what seemed like an early midlife crisis.

More big questions followed....

What, really, is Truth?

Is there truth?

What is the nature of reality?
What of the unseen realm?
What is the purpose of life?

Questions that set me on a path of seeking, though I had no idea what it was I really sought.

I had lost trust in institutions and people, questioning everything I knew and everyone I previously loved and felt I could rely on.

I untangled myself from "the cult" I had placed blind faith in since I was eight. Not knowing who or what I could trust, I decided to "empty my cup" of all beliefs and embark on a relentless search for "truth" for myself -- a drastic move that in hindsight I wouldn't recommend anyone!


The curse and the gift -- the road less travelled

Thus began an odyssey through what I call "the dark ages". A decade-long solitary quest through big life questions, intense self-inquiry, and rigorous "peeling back the layers of the onion".

Dark nights of the soul, incessant existential questioning and painful (but later profound) confrontation with the void.

On the outside, life seemed normal. In fact, it looked to most onlookers to be "pretty darned good". I had a degree, was pursuing my masters, had an amazing boyfriend who later became my husband, loving family and lots of friends, and a seemingly wonderful future in a new country that offered immense opportunity and fabulous quality of life.

On the inside, I felt unmoored—entirely disconnected with a world preoccupied with conventional pursuits that for me felt hollow and bereft of any meaning. I felt like a stranger on Earth, and I often longed to "go home".

Spiritual seeking, philosophical questioning and all-consuming soul searching.
I had little interest in much else.

All I had were unending burning questions...

Do "I" actually exist?
How do I know?

Can I even trust my self, my senses, my mind?

Who am I, really, beneath the roles I play, and my identity?

Who is it who asks "who am I"?

What is the point of existence?

What is the meaning of life?

Why is there so much suffering in the world?

It was a time of existential angst, emptiness, isolation and quiet desperation.

I found solace in dance and music. And learnt to sit with the angst and unrelenting rumination on my own, eventually drawing strength and comfort from the stillness I managed to find within.

I worked to heal core wounds and my relationship with myself and the world, and to rebuild a healthy ego after my time in the cult.

Poured through book after book about spirituality, philosophy, science, literature and self help.

And meditated, prayed and tested every new spiritual practice in hope of new insight, seeking all the time to find this elusive "thing", yet knowing that it might take a whole lifetime without ever finding it.

Would that be a waste of life?

My rational mind said "yes" and my ego grappled over lost time and opportunities everyone else was "gaining". Yet my heart resolutely knew otherwise -- it was not a choice that was really mine to make. I would be living a lie to ignore these inconvenient questions and all-consuming desire to seek Self and Truth.

A turning point

Solitude, stillness, and surrender.
At some point, something shifted.

The pin dropped. I saw the illusion.
The truth I had been seeking was not out there—it had always been here.
My search for truth and enlightenment was ultimately also mind and Ego driven.
The ego trap was in trying to find something "more" when everything was already "here".

On my healing journey, I had rejoiced as I reclaimed my self sovereignty and power as the author of my own story. However, whatever story I chose, I now realized was ultimately still a story.

And this story, once seen, was hard to believe or invest myself in.

Freedom lay in living beyond the story.

With that, the searching ceased.

The questions dissolved.
I stopped looking for answers.

The ambition to "wake up" died.

And there, a "spiritual" chapter closed for me.
Everything was now spiritual, and could never not be.
And paradoxically, spirituality no longer mattered -- it just was.


The light at the end of the tunnel

"The way out is through", it has been said. And after such a long, arduous search, this new dawn was a blessed and much-welcomed relief.

The searching became "a finding".
A settling into stillness and okay-ness within, and radical acceptance and peace with all that is
-- the good, the bad, and the ugly.

It felt like the intense energy that had previously been consumed by my mind -- seeking answers, judging, discerning, figuring it all out -- was now free to flow and be channel into whatever I chose.

So, what now? A fork in the road

A different question emerged.

Now that I was no longer obsessed with seeking, what then, to do with the rest of my life?

I wanted to be of service to humanity and a flourishing world. But how?

It came down to serving in an Ashram, or in the world.
Going to an Ashram felt like spiritual bypass. So I chose the latter.

My growth edge was to reconcile the duality of the sacred and the secular, and to learn to properly be in the world. I had struggled to value and relate to material things, and to assimilate with human customs and the mundane everyday business of life. I was like a foreigner in a new country, or an alien on a new planet.

I had lived an obedient, pious and highly disciplined life, spending all my spare time in my youth at "the Dojo" doing divine service and training to become a befitting "forerunner of the 21st century". And then had spent the next decade of my life putting myself back together.

Now I was keen to experience "being normal", and to catch up on life experiences that I had missed out on. Which I did!


The world as a playground

My next chapter was a wonderful, joy-filled time of playing at work, life and experiencing all that I loved.

After many career transitions (and miraculous turns of events, a story for another time), I finally found my happy place in the world of conscious business and social enterprise.

And pursued my love of dancing, music and the arts to my hearts content.

Now, I could just be who I was, free of the confines of any story (while still living out the stories). And now I was free, not of the fear of judgement, but from the stories I used to carry around being judged. Now, belonging was an experience within, not something I was missing out on as I observed from the margins. And now, I gave myself full permission to hear and honour my truth -- in fact, inner integrity became my ultimate authority.

Life felt exquisite and juicy both inside and out. I was finally enjoying the gifts of everything I had previously only felt was a curse. And at long last, I felt undoubting affirmation that following my Soul's call, hard as it may have been all those years ago, had been oh so worthwhile.

And just like that, another decade or so passed.

Then one day, I felt a strange stirring and a call -- "do deeper work", it said.

Just like the strange call I had all those years ago to "find Truth", I had no idea what that meant. But once again, I knew had to live into the questions to find the answers.

The next evolution

I felt a pull to explore new edges, and I craved learning. I had done so much inner work, DIY therapy and healing, a lot of research, but never any formal training. So I decided to go back to study.

And there was also an intuition around how the way things were was no longer working -- a kind of call to host the crumbling of the old, and steward the new. I call it Edgework, and will endeavour to speak more tangibly to what it is as I make more sense of it.

The journey continues

I know that this journey, though uniquely mine, will not be mine alone.

Psychologist, Carl R. Rogers said, “What is most personal is most universal.”

As I navigate this unfolding, and as we -- collective humanity -- navigate an extremely interesting, likely pivotal time in our evolution, it is my joy to support those on an aligned path through my coaching and transformational containers, and through sharing insights, perspectives, provocations and resources in my writing.

I work in the conscious business and social entrepreneurship space, and feel drawn to the potential and possibilities that could come through these fields. My sense is that what unfolds here will be significant. Do you?

The invitation

To conscious leaders, changemakers, seekers and soul-searchers...

Your path is yours to walk, but you don’t have to walk it alone.

If this resonates, I am here to walk alongside you on your journey; to hold you through the thresholds of transformation; to help you move beyond stories that no longer serve, attune to your deepest knowing, and step into your fullest expression.

Know that you are not here to fit into someone else’s version of truth. You are here to embody your own.

If you’re standing at the edge of something new — uncertain, yet unable to turn back — I see you. I know this place only too well.

If you are already in transition — it would be beautiful to help you find clarity as you navigate the liminal space and shifting sands, to align with your inner wisdom as you step into your next evolution. Transitions are potent periods pregnant with so much potential!

If you have a vision that wants to come to life, feel the call of something that wants to be born, or are conflicted by an incongruence between your inner and outer worlds — this is a sacred impulse to growth and evolution. Honour that impulse by bridging the gap between vision and embodiment, between seed and fruition, between thought and reality.

So much that we seek is often already within us. I'm here simply to help you tap into it.

As you deepen your relationship with Self and Source, you connect with your innate wisdom and larger impulse for your journey's unfolding.